I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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