Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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