i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
