You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
