Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
