Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
