worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
