I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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