you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
