it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Randomize
