Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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