Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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