Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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