Ambien. No doubt about it.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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