I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
