my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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