the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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