It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Life is so much better after having sex.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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