How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
