she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
