my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize