so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
