I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
