the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize