i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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