Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
