since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
