i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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