I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize