My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Houston, we have a blender
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
