U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
