I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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