Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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