So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
