Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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