I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
no, he came in my armpit
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
