Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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