Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
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