I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
