i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
