1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
