You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Randomize
