Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
