omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize