I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
