And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
