Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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