You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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