you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
