Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
