Since when is my name a synonym for head?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
