walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
