OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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