it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
