Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
