My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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