I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
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