Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
