where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
