im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
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