Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
