the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
