I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
