How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
